not a turtle

what's black and white and read all over?

Often, reading the newspaper only seems to reinforce my long held notion that the world is completely fucked. Usually this feeling comes as a result of actual news. Rarely does it stem from the way an article has been written, although it has been known to happen.

Allow me to present to you an article from yesterday's Brisbane Times:

My immediate reaction to this was what the flying fuck is a goon bag?
Like "king hit", which is possibly the most revolting and unnecessary of these colloquialisms used by Fairfax publications in place of actual words, it's a term I've never heard before.

Thinking that there would be explanation offered for this odd and unfamiliar term, I started to read. As it turns out, the headline is downright misleading. The assault in question actually occurred more than two years ago, and the article concerns the sentencing of one person involved in the assault. Now I hate to be pedantic, but if you're going to be this imprecise with headlines, then why not see how far you can push the envelope? Last week when everyone was pretending they had something new to say about Princess Diana's death, why didn't you go with "Tragic Princess Dies In Car Accident, aged 36"? Oh that's right, because people would notice you were rehashing a years-old article to fill space on a slow news day.

The author of this article, Christine Kellett, who the Brisbane Times website tells me "...enjoys reading, eating out and entertaining friends and family from south of the border.", and whomever her editor is, seem to be of the opinion that "goon bag" is a term their readership is familiar with.   

Anyway, back to the point. I still didn't know what a goon bag was. I read on.

Right.

This bag of goon can be used to knock the glasses off someone's face? Interesting.

So this goon stuff must be quite dangerous then, if she's threatening to break the bag, I thought. I needed to know what on earth a goon bag was. It seemed like tragic Aussie Slang, so perhaps Urban Dictionary would be able to help.

It was:

Right. So this is an article about somebody hitting people with a plastic bag full of liquid. This must truly be the zenith of your journalistic career, Christine Kellett. I strongly doubt any of the injuries sustained by any party during the assault were a direct result of being "bashed with a goon bag".

I think perhaps this nonsense can be explained away by remembering that this is the Brisbane Times. Our neighbours to the north aren't exactly renowned for their intellectual prowess. Perhaps everyone in Queensland knows what a goon bag is. Perhaps they regularly purchase and consume them. I don't know.

What I do know is that the differences between Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne can be summed up quite neatly by this little screen capture from two weeks ago:

On the left, we have the most read article in Melbourne that day, a juicy political scandal. On the right, Sydney's most popular article, an international sport star caught up in a drug scandal. And in the middle, what have Brisbane-ites been reading? An article about A TALKING CHIPANZEE.

the sydney morning herald gets it right every time...

The picture and caption alongside the SMH's article about Australia's Fattest Cunt The Biggest Loser brings me so much joy.

television journalism 101

Are you a television producer for a prime time current affairs show?

Are you doing a story on the death (read: evils) of Multiculturalism in Australia?

Are you planning to structure the piece in a way that implies we are facing a significant threat of violence and possible terrorism from the different cultural and social groups present in our communities?

Are you planning to point out how UNAUSTRALIAN it is to socialise with people of the same ethnic background as yourself?

Were you wondering how best to represent the "diversity" of a community without actually interviewing anyone or providing any concrete facts or statistics?

Well, look no more. Naomi Robson and the gang over at Today Tonight have the answer.

All you have to do, apparently, is show a 25 second long montage of the different restaurants currently trading on the main street of the suburb you're covering.

GOLDEN LANTERN CHINESE!
LUIGI'S PIZZA & PASTA!
AL MUSTAFA KEBABS!
CHARLIE'S CHARCOAL CHICKEN!
VIJAY'S INDIAN DINER!
MAMA'S KOREAN BBQ! (Pronounced "bee-bee-cue!")

Wow. That's such a diverse community. Positively dripping with multicultural community spirit, and so vastly different to any other suburb you're likely to come across anywhere in the country.

Once you've done that, all you have to do is show footage of the Cronulla Riots and several short and heavily edited clips of interviews with local religious leaders and community elders to demonstrate how divided the community is (and how this will definitely lead to racial violence).

Then, just to make sure nobody at all can understand whether you are pro or anti-multiculturalist; have several random bogans point out how UNAUSTRALIAN it is that these people are allowed to retain their cultures and traditions when they live in AUSTRALIA.

Finally, end the story without a resolution by cutting back to Satan's Anal Glands Naomi Robson in the studio, with her saying "Well. What does it mean to be an Australian? Up next - how the major banks are planning to steal your children and sell them to militant political factions in south east asia in exchange for black market bananas"

in which he empties the contents of his bitter, twisted, work-tired brain...

a prayer for hope

Aparrently dying is the new black, as far as vaguely idolised D-List australian celebrities go this week.
God.... if you're listening, could you not have taken Todd McKenney from us instead? Sonia Kruger? Catriona Rowntree? Surely we don't have a use for Shannon Noll anymore? I'd even have settled for Axle Whitehead (even though I'd prefer to kill him myself).

oh right, so "she" does "exist"...

"Suri Cruise" was "two months old" when the "photos" for Vanity Fair were "taken". Has anyone ever seen a two month old baby? They don't look like that. They don't have insanely expressive faces and piercing, close-focused eyes. Their heads are also very rarely as large as "Suri's" is. Also, let's not talk about "Suri's" amazingly thick, dark hair. Or how it's just like mommy and daddy's.

Munkey think's she's animatronic. I think she's borrowed and/or photoshopped.

ever so eloquent and always so well written...

Hats off to mX for their tackiest sidebar snippet ever. It sounds as though my eighty five year old grandmother wrote it:

"LITTLE Britain star Matt Lucas is planning to tie the knot with his gay lover, Britain's The Sun claims. The 32-year-old comic plans to wed TV researcher Kevin McGee, 30..."

Because the gays only take lovers. And not just lovers, but gay lovers. The filthy homosexuals (pronouned homm-owe-seks-yew-alls, of course) and their long held ambitions to defecate all over the sacred institution of marriage.

Is this the right time to tell the world that plagiarist extraordinaire Matt Sun, who seems to write mX by himself (a not-very-impressive-feat) is a filthy, dirty pillow biter himself? No? Ok. I didn't say anything then.

the devine miss m...

People often ask me "Byron, what's the most offensive thing you've heard this week?" Well. Let me tell you. Most of the time it comes from an article by the articulate, intelligent and very pretty (and I know just how pretty she looks without makeup on - she goes to my hairdresser) Miranda Devine.

"Why would you want to integrate your eight-year-old daughter into a culture that seems to take its decadent cue from Paris Hilton, when your religion offers an apparent safe haven?

Better to dress little Fatima in a burqa and keep her away from the "infidel" girls at school in an attempt to preserve her innocence as long as you can. Better yet, send her to an Islamic school so she won't be polluted by association."

So in case you were wondering how to contribute to the already strained relations between the Muslim community and (for want of a better way to put it) the rest of Sydney, it seems the answer is to write a deliberately inflammatory opinion piece for a broadsheet paper. Ms Devine seems to be more than willing to slither around as the journalistic equivalent of a broken down sewerage-treatment-facility. To borrow a turn of phrase from the brilliant Dawei... bitch is journalistic ipecac.

terrorism?

The cover story on Thursday's mX (by resident CityRail whinger, plagiarist and sensationalist-in-training Matt Sun) reminds us how outraged we should be about the lack of anti-terrorist measures put in place by our state and federal governments.

On Wednesday afternoon an unidentified woman climbed down from Platform 25 at Central Station onto the tracks. She walked roughly 200 metres into the tunnel and was struck and killed by a train.

"Police are trying to determine how the woman managed to walk along the tracks during peak hour with dozens of rail staff and transit officers on duty"

Well. Let me solve the mystery for you, Matt (and "investigators"). There are no people in train tunnels, only trains. There are, at most, two staff per double platform. Platform staff are paid to signal trains when they arrive and depart, and to play solitaire. That is all. Transit officers are busy sexually assautling teenage girls, fining elderly people for putting their shopping on train seats and generally being offensive. All while pretending to be police officers.

I think I could fairly easily walk the entire length of the North Shore Line, on the tracks, and not be stopped or questioned at all.

The article goes on to compare the incident to the train bombings in Spain and London.

"...the woman's actions highlight the ease of access to rail infrastructure."

There are no physical barriers that will prevent terrorism. Our train stations have no rubbish bins. Why, you ask? To stop terrorists from hiding bombs in them, of course. The Harbour Bridge has two security guards that stroll casually across it. Why? To stop terrorists from blowing it up.

You can't take a knife on a plane, because it could be used to injure someone or hijack the plane. You can, however, take all the knitting needles, pencils and pens you want. They are completely safe and could never be used as weapons.

The world will only see an end to terrorism when we stop trying to protect ourselves from it, and stop pretending we're all so different. Silly utopian ideals, you might say... but what can we do but try? What if we demonstrated respect for other countries and cultures? Not just quietly, but publicly. What if we stopped telling people they need to look out for towel-heads leaving bombs in bins, and started teaching our children the difference between a Pakistani and a Lebanese Muslim? What if we started encouraging our communities to interact with eachother? What if we stopped pretending that banning hair gel and shampoo on international flights will prevent another September 11? Nothing will prevent terrorism. Nothing except a shift in attitude.

what the tabloids taught me...

"Jessica met best-friend hairdresser Ken Paves when he did emergency hair extensions on her for a 1998 video shoot"

There is no such thing as emergency hair extensions.
At no time and in no situation are hair extensions necessary.

"Angelina Jolie feels isolated and lonely as Brad Pitt remains in Las Vegas, continuing his trial separation from the actress"

We know this because Angelina was photographed buying groceries alone, and later photographed standing on the street with her arms folded.

Sienna miller has a "Co-star Fetish"
How can they tell?
Well. She dated Jude Law, was photographed with Hayden Christensen and Daniel Craig, and has now been "caught" (read: seen) with James Franco eating dinner. What a slut. I can't believe she has stood next to so many men.

NW Magazine says Mickey Rourke looks revolting because:

• He's had too much plastic surgery.
• He looks old.

Byron says Mickey Rourke looks revolting because:

• He is revolting.
• He looks sixteen years older than the comparison photo used in the article because it was taken sixteen years ago.

Kim Cattrall ate a bowl of pasta.
Carbs! How scandalous!

Carmen Electra sweats. How disgusting. I can't believe a celebrity would have the nerve to do something so revolting.