not a turtle

...and I'm important

"[She's] twenty two, right?"

"Yeah"

"But she looks much older than [mutual friend aged 30]"

"Well, when you spend that much time thinking about yourself, it comes out on your face."

it has a flavour

"...okay but banana flavouring tastes nothing at all like banana. It's far more disgusting than most other flavours. Like watermelon, y'know."

"Umm... no. Seriously, if you cut up a watermelon and bit into a slice that tasted like watermelon flavour, you'd call the police."

quotable quotes #7551

"I do so love your pillowy bosom"

"...yeah, but I only judge people for how they look, not what they think or feel."

"How do you want to hang the tinsel on the tree?"
"Downward spirals are always good."
"Not if you're Amy Winehouse."

"She shows surprising emotional depth for someone in the Army Reserves."

"If you're going to tell people on national television that I tried to stuff my underwear into your mouth, you need to stress that it was CLEAN underwear."

"...it's like a knife through my heart, Byron."
"But it's true!"
"I know. otherwise it would be a spatula."

quotable quotes #128835

"You know how hair products claim they'll add life to your hair..."
"Yes."
"It's just occurred to me the only way they can really do that is with lice or nits."

"What's that movie called... the one where Marianne Faithfull becomes a prostitute?"
"What? In real life?"

"No... see I didn't think the look in her eyes was that creepy."
"Okay. Our two dogs, when they were dying, that was the look they got in their eyes, wounded, darting around like crazy, frightened you might kick them."

"This woman [on the TV] is Hungarian right?"
"Yes."
"That's not her natural colour. The only way you can get orange in Hungary is by rolling in paprika."

"Wait. What if they didn't buy any chocolate?"
"They're single women. Without boyfriends. They have chocolate."

"Didn't he leave Mary-Louise Parker when she was six months pregnant for Claire Danes?"
"Claire Danes is not really incentive to leave anything."
"...except a cinema"

"The Veronicas are much the same as Hungry Hungry Hippos, except without the hip, just the ho."

quotable quotes #303809

"...oh my mother does pilates. Not because she wants to be offensive, though. More for exercise."

"I wouldn't wish that on anyone ...except maybe Avril Lavigne"
"Then we'd have to hear her sing about it."

"I'm just... better than you."
"No you're not."
"...well I have more MySpace friends than you!"
"That's so fucking sad."

"My kindergarten teacher used to wear stirrup pants all the time"
"Byron, all kindergarten teachers wear stirrup pants."

"What's wrong?"
"It's just that all these people are getting on our tram, and so few of them have brushed their hair."

"I like her, but I think that if we were in the wild, I'd go into fight response."

"I firmly believe Russia should never have been allowed man-made fibres until they proved they could use them responsibly first."

"Okay. There's fruit salad for dessert. Does anyone not like strawberries?"
"Lili hates them. On fabric."

quotable quotes #1908

"I was trying to figure out if I actually have to be pregnant in order to take maternity leave...
I mean, can't I just turn up at work a few months on and just be all 'Oh... it died'?"

"You should see her around her friends... they all crawl around on their knees desperately trying to reach up and lick her labia."

"...but Oprah genuinely believes she's doing the right thing."
"Uh, yeah. So did Hitler."

"Oh please! ...as if Tom Cruise has ever stuck anything in that woman ...except maybe a syringe."

"I've found out [primary school] teaching is 30% teaching and 70% laminating, and I've only done 10% of this week's laminating"

"Just imagine muppets are singing it. It's much less offensive that way."

"What is calisthenics anyway?"
"It's for girls who are too fat to be gymnasts"

"...he was dating this girl called Sinnamon, everyone called her Sin for short. He's a catholic, which might explain that."

quotable quotes #7314

"Those men have so much paper towel in their trolley. Why?"
"Maybe they're having a bukkake party."

"I just realised why Emmy Rossum annoys me... I want her to be Anne Hathaway."

"Just cause she's ugly and kinda fat you think she might be a nice person, but no."

The folllowing two quotes were overheard in my training classroom this week. Neither was said with any sense of irony.

"Maybe she can't speak English at all."
"Der. Then how could she work in a call centre?"
"Maybe she's a translator?"

"I wonder what flight attendants wore back in the 1850s"

...and my personal favourite, a phone conversation I overheard on the tram.

"I don't care how shit youse feel Karen! He's gotta go to school. Look, you're not gonna get breathalysed this early in the morning. Fucken drive him to school! Just pretend you're not drunk, and bring my fucken tennis balls! And don't wash them!"

quotable quotes... real post coming soon...

"Nicole Kidman is like a WWII epic... 60% of the color was removed from her in post-production."

"As if the sight of Andrew G would make anyone drop anything."
"Except maybe their bowels...?"

"I actually like [Calista Flockhart] as a fascist pig..."

"Did you just deface Ellen Burstyn's wikipedia entry?"
"I may have altered it to imply that she passed away. I may also have implied that the cause of death was bursting. So no, not really."
"You are awful"
"Oh my god. What if Ellen Burstyn dies in a tragic bursting accident and I've somehow foreshadowed it with my online vandalism!? What if it's my fault!?"

quotable quotes #4811

"Look. Look at my leg. I have a flesh eating disease."
"No you don't."
"Look at it!"
"No. You do not have a flesh eating disease. Don't be absurd."
"Just look!!!!"
"Are you kidding me? It's an ingrown hair."
"I know."

"You're thinking about Mick Hucknall?"
"Yes."
"In a sexual way?"
"Yes."
"You would willingly have sex with him?"
"Yes."
"Do you want ginger children?"
"I would sacrifice my social status to have sex with him, yes."

"Her hair is a bit.... I've just been raped in a rose garden."

"Beyoncé's eyes look weird."
"THAT'S BECAUSE SHE HAS NO SOUL. SHE IS SATANS BRIDE. SHE ACTUALLY DESCENDED INTO HELL AND HAD A WEDDING WITH SATAN. THE MARRIAGE WAS CONSUMATED AND SHE IS RIFE WITH THE DIRTIEST FILTH KNOWN TO MAN."
"Dude... calm down."

"Paris Hilton looks tired. And sad."
"She must've had a hard day at the orifice."

"I'm being very careful before I touch anyone's muff."
"Uh. You're a homosexual."

"You know Byron, it's funny, you drive all of your exes to wearing make up and skirts. It could just be you..."

"You know how I had that rash and I thought I had the meninge?"
"Two weeks ago, yes. You would have died already."
"Well... I was just going to say that it dissappeared from my tit."

quotable quotes #229852

"Clearly they are called fascinators because they make you so much more fascinating to others... 'Oh you have a rosette of cheap taffeta and three pheasant feathers stapled to your scalp! How fascinating!'"

"It has just occured to me that homosexuals were persecuted during the holocaust as well. Why then did I not get my own country? The jews did."

"I have just sat down on the floor in the middle of Woolworths. I hate illogical store layouts and excessive product choice. I am not moving" (an SMS)

"Whenever I think of Real Estate agents, I think of Peter Gallagher fucking Annette Benning in American Beauty"

"I'm looking for houses online... and all the ads say things like BE QUICK! APPROVED APPLICATION! Quick to do what, exactly? Kill the applicant?"

"...also, unlike Melbourne, most of the the terrace houses are two, three or four stories, but that's just because convicts in sydney were smarter and knew how to build stairs"

"I was reading the words SPARKLING BATHROOM! and suddenly had a vision of a grey suited realtor sprinkling glitter and sequins everywhere... while another of them sets up floodlights"

"Can I have your telephone banking password please?"
"15 cats"
"Oh... do you have 15 cats?"
"No, I've got seventeen... but four died. They're still here though. So still seventeen."

"It's the web. They get hot, sweaty and creepy over ANYTHING. Fetish people are scary. Much."

"...or people who derive sexual pleasure from having a limb amputated. I'm like... Well. You can have sex like, four times. That's it"

"I like to be entertained by musicals.
I do not feel that 322 minutes of breathy wailing about a civil war underscored by a bass clarinet is entertaining"